Re-Write Your Dreams

At what point in your infertile journey do you re-write your dreams? The ones that see you taking family holidays, shopping for prams, needing a larger car, buying 3 or 4 bedroom house with a backyard, wrapping piles of toys to place under the Christmas tree, making a mad dash to the maternity ward, tearing-up on the first day of school, visiting the grandparents, taking thousands of photos to document the wonder that is my child. How do you change a lifetime of conditioning and planning?

We women are taught from an early age that our fertility is something to be feared. "Did you know you can get pregnant just by having some sperm in your underpants", "Always practice safe sex", "Go on the pill", "Use protection".... We are tricked into believing we are all as fertile as rabbits. There was nothing in my sex-ed classes about infertility, no mention that of the 30 students in the class at least 4 will not be having children, through no fault of their own. We are conditioned to believe we need to, and can, control our fertility: that it is like a tap that can be turned on or off as we will it, but is best kept in the off position until you have ticked all the boxes: secure job, financial security, mortgage, car...

After 25 years of believing I will one day be a mother, and that having a baby is as easily accomplished as leaving a bit of stray sperm in your panties, I now have to recognise that it may not be true. My fertility is not under my control. It's a massive blow to realise that, after years of believing the opposite. I know a loving God is in control instead, but it is still hard to let go.

I'm slowly, slowly coming to accept it though, to adjust my dreams and fit some in that don't include children: good dreams of sleeping in every Saturday, of romantic and indulgent holidays, of dinners out with Michael whenever we want, of having more time to serve God. They are good dreams, but they're not the ones I've clung to for years and I haven't had time to colour them in with detail, as I have with my other ones. They're still sketchy outlines and I hope they stay that way, or better yet fade away as the other dreams take shape, but if they don't I know that they are still good dreams to have. There's a great tension between accepting your lot and hoping it will change, and I suspect it something I will have in my life for some time to come.