Failed Cycle

Our first IVF cycle failed.

I'm sorry I haven't posted earlier for those of you who have been following our IVF journey. It took me two weeks to come out of a fog of sadness and hurt, and another few weeks to process things and get to a point where I could post.

Those first two weeks after the negative home pregnancy tests, and the sad phone call to the clinic to notify them, were some of the hardest of my life. I felt completely let down by God, alone, wounded and helpless. I wondered if sometimes God does give people more than they can bear. I didn't want to pray. I didn't want to read my Bible. I cried multiple times each day. Heaven looked so much better than carrying on living*.

But, after many days I prayed. It was a tiny one-liner of a prayer asking God for mercy to carry on. It was all I could get out.

And it was answered. The next day I woke up feeling stronger and more able to carry this burden that God has given me. It's still a burden. It's still painful. But he gave me the strength to bear it.

And I think those two things are the great lessons I've learned this past month:

Life here on earth is hard. Sometimes it's terribly, terribly hard. Which does serve to focus our attention on Heaven, and long to be there. I don't think that's why God gives us suffering. But it is one very good thing than can come out of it.

And the other lesson: I really can only carry on with God's constant help. I can't do this on my own. Even with MB's wonderful help and support and love. God sustains us, comforts us and loves us. Even when we're angry with him. And all it takes is for us to reach out to him to be reminded of that.


*Although Heaven looked so good in comparison to life, I never contemplated taking my life. Just in case you think that I meant more than I wrote.